


all gems know their purpose (she just didn’t know her's meant being broken)

by realfakedoors



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ableism, Angst, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Homeworld is Horrible, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No happy ending here folks, Spoilers for Episode: s05e25 Legs From Here To Homeworld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-17 12:56:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15461865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors
Summary: An introspective look at a particular Pearl, told through four defining moments in her life.Spoilers forLegs from Here to Homeworldabound.





	1. Born

When she came out of the stone, it was almost soft and supple against her hands. Nothing like the manifestation of light that made her form, that gave her an identity - that was _hard_ light. This place was gentle, a warm swath of earth piled up in tinted-pink clay.

The first thing Pearl did was turn around.

She extended a hand, careful and deliberate, using a single finger to trace a delicate outline along the hollow carving of her own body, marveling at the sharp edges and the beauty of the stone. This tiny thing, in this lonesome Kindergarten, it brought a swell of pride to her, coloring her cheeks dark pink. It was easy to admire, at how precise her lines were, and how clear her being had been traced into the universe. A little molten crown of hair wisped around and above her head, and even those refined lines set against the wall were crisp. She was _made_ from this place. Certainly, it was but a speck in the vast Gem Empire, but it was all her own.

It was humbling.

All understanding of who she was rushed to her the moment she emerged, a strange set of primordial knowledge embedded in her middle, and in her mind. It would always be here that she learned what it was she was meant to do.

The moment Pearl spared there was fleeting, only long enough for her to smile wistfully at the spot, to commit the place to memory, something to revisit whenever she might need it.

Pearl turned on her heel and began to march down the vacant path in the canyon, towards the nearest warp pad, knowing a modest communications beacon would already be ready.

Upon her approach, an irritable Peridot looked up, and then away before her eyes even had the chance to focus on her.

“Requested or scheduled emergence?” She demanded.

Pearl raised her chin ever-so-slightly. “By White Diamond’s request.”

The Peridot punched in the information, half-way through when her hands froze. Turning, her green eyes were wide, strikingly filled by a sudden, overwhelming fear.

“Y-you’re…? But that means…”

Pearl was, admittedly, confused by this reaction. She affixed her face with a wan smile and waited, patiently, for a bit of the color to return to the Kindergartener’s face.

It did not take long for Peridot to snap to her senses, leaping up and muttering unintelligibly for a moment.

“Uh, yes. It had just been a very long time since… Yes. This way. No, wait,” she had begun to step towards the warp pad, swiveling on the spot and pulling up a screen instead. “Let me get you processed.”

Gathering her skirt lightly between each hand, Pearl’s smile grew to one of sincerity.

She curtsied, bending low at the waist. “Thank you.”

This colony, one of White Diamond’s later claims, contained a small amount of atmosphere, and a light breeze made the hairs on the back of Pearl’s neck dance, tickling her shoulders as she straightened. Almost in tandem, a fluttery sense of excitement bloomed in her chest, her mind racing as she wondered who she would be so privileged to serve.

It was a wonderful feeling.


	2. Her First Colony

Pearl could not be more grateful.

The sensation of warp travel was something she knew she would never tire of, for it was like nothing else in the universe. By a mere force of will, she could use her power to change everything, and it was still so fleeting. Almost in a headrush, her form disappeared, and her essence bled into the light of the stream as her mind traveled, moved, and rematerialized all over again. Somehow, the whole notion was surprisingly _soft_ , Pearl thought, like being wrapped in a blanket of viscus stars.

She considered herself so, so lucky. Not only was this means travel something she’d be thrilled to do every-so-often, but she had learned soon after emerging that she wasn’t going to be serving someone who was by any means sedentary.

With Pink Diamond’s buzzing rate of travel between Yellow and Blue Diamond’s colonies, they never seemed to stay in the same place for more than a day.

“Ready, my Diamond?” She spoke with a slight chime to her voice, and Pink smiled affectionately at her as she stood from her diminutive throne.

“Yep, I think so,” answered her Diamond, standing and stretching her arms above her head. Pearl marveled at the sight, adoring the way her hair brushed and bounced with her every move - how had she been so lucky as to be modeled in Pink Diamond’s image?

Unwittingly, Pearl felt her cheeks pique with color, so she bowed her head and waited. Her shoes were soon accompanied by another, larger pair, topped with the most adorable white poufs imaginable.

“Where are we going again?” Pink asked, resting a hand on her cheek.

Pearl clasped her hands together, eager to remind her. “The Great Diamond Authority wishes to have an official council session, and shortly after, I will take us to your ship,” Pearl said, jumping from the reaction that earned her.

Pink Diamond leapt at least three feet into the air, touching back down slowly with a little squeal.

“ _Oh!_ I didn’t think they finished it already! We have to go there first!”

She watched her Diamond practically glow with excitement, and Pearl let out a small squeak of her own when she felt hands gently resting on her shoulders.

“Oh, um, w-well…” Sputtering, she was rendered speechless. Pink Diamond was _touching_ her! She could hardly believe it, and if she wasn’t utterly frozen in place, she might have pinched herself just to be sure.

Pink whined and gave Pearl’s shoulders a squeeze. “ _Please,_ Pearl! Just a real quick in-and-out, I just want to _see_ it. We can go back after the meeting?”

A small storm roiled in her midsection, fighting indecision. Her duty was to make her Diamond happy, but also, keep her guided.

“I… suppose if we’re _very quick_ …”

“ _Yes!_ ” Pink took back her hands and positioned them on her hips, stomping a foot down into the smooth plane of stone beneath them. “Let’s go!”

“R-right away!” Pearl stammered, throwing her arms into a salute as she straightened.

With a small bit of focus, she did what she was bid and basqued in the small glory of the moment. Fresh light washed over her, dissipating and recollection around while they were swept away in the tides of space. Their journey, in a matter of seconds, wove her through a tapestries of plush familiarity, landing them firmly on their feet at the base of Pink Diamond’s small sector in Research & Development.

“ _Eeeeeeeeeek!_ ” Pink all but shrieked the moment they stepped off the pad, and Pearl’s face broke into a huge smile. Hearing how pleased her Diamond was by the sight of her ship, Pearl knew she had made the right choice.

Her Diamond was waving at all the Peridots and Bismuths bustling around, grinning and laughing and gesturing at the massive pair of legs, coming to a point at with heels at the base, asking all sorts of questions.

“Oh, it’s so perfect! Look at that _shine_!”

“Don’t you love it? It’s beautiful!”

“Did you remember to include the two seats, for Blue and Yellow? Oh, I wish we could show them right now! I’m going to be the _pilot!_ ”

Turning back to glance her way, Pearl felt a tremor of joy at the stars in her Diamond’s eyes. Had she ever looked so happy before? Perhaps when they first met, she had been so thrilled to have her own Pearl. Yellow Diamond had given her a brief lecture, which had cut the celebration a bit short, but Pearl will never forget that moment.

“I am so happy that you like it, my Diamond,” Pearl bobbed her head up and down, sharing in the excitement. “It’s perfect for you.”

“I _know_ ,” Pink cooed, resting a hand against one massive shoe. “Oh, promise me we’ll take it for a spin after the Diamond meeting?”

Pearl felt a bit of anticipation thrill the nerves all the way up her arms, and she tapped her fingers together animatedly.

“Of course, my Diamond. Let’s get going now - the sooner you’ll be able to finish the meeting!”

At that, her Diamond laughed, bubbly and joyous. Pearl blushed with pride to have given rise to such a beautiful sound.

“I like your style, Pearl. Okay. Let’s be quick, I don’t want Yellow to give me another talk about _punctuality_.” Pink Diamond rolled her eyes and did a rather uncanny impression of the so-named Diamond, and Pearl found herself giggling all the way back to the warp pad.

Her heart reduced to a fluttery, light thing, Pearl felt so proud and pleased that she barely even noticed the wonderful weightlessness draw them away from Research & Development, delivering them to the warp pad directly outside of White Diamond’s chambers.

Yellow, Blue and White Pearl stood at attention at the door, all snapping to the same salute upon their arrival.

“ _Pink?_ ” A sharp called through a massive, _massive_ door. Pearl was so used to being by her Diamond’s side, it was a little overwhelming when she was reminded of how absolutely _egregiously_ large the other Diamonds were.

Gentler, the voice of Blue Diamond echoed in the massive corridor. “Come now! We’ve been waiting.”

They stepped down, footsteps silent, and Pearl caught a slight flicker in the corner of her eye. Her Diamond’s shoulders slumped a degree or two, but she turned her face into a smile that Pearl knew to be false. It saddened her, considering how only moments ago, they were both so happy.

Dutifully, Pearl stood at the spot designated for her, facing White Diamond’s Pearl with Blue and Yellow to her left and right. They stood in the shape of the Great Diamond Authority, a model of their grandeur, and Pearl sent the briefest of smiles after her Diamond as the door began to close behind her.

“ _Hello, Starlight_ …” spoke another familiar voice, silenced once the metal seamlessly melted into the frame.

Minutes or days could have passed in that spot, and Pearl would never have known. She had the unfortunate spot of standing at the “helm,” so to speak, facing the warp pad with the others spread out behind her. White’s Pearl was nearest the door, and she never would have been able to fully turn to see her without it being obvious.

Pearl tried to remain perfectly still, but her curiosity and, frankly, boredom, drove her to peek over her shoulders every so often. It was simply nice to know if she was behaving correctly, and who better to serve as examples than these three?

Blue’s face was unreadable, a far-cry from the Diamond she belonged to, but it was also artfully chiseled in a perfectly demur _Pearl_ -expression. Opposite her, Yellow’s brow twitched slightly when Pearl would turn to look at her, but she otherwise faced-forward, a statue of stocic perfection. She had no idea how White Diamond’s Pearl might look, not even able to glimpse her dark dress or pointed tulle when she risked turning her neck.

Quite suddenly, and all at once, the atrium exploded with a firm emergence of a Yellow boot through what had been the door. The heels rang sharply as they marched to the warp pad, and not a beat later, a very flustered looking yellow scantered after her.

The remnants of a conversation began to flit into the hallway after their departure, the meeting apparently wrapping up. Pearl tried to keep her hands from shaking, still spooked from the unexpected departure of Yellow Diamond.

“... _own_ colony, Pink.” Blue Diamond said, almost anxiously. “You think you’re really ready?”

“Oh, yes, yes I know I am!” Pearl heard her Diamond answer, and a surprised gasp escaped her. It took no small amount of self-discipline not to spin around and go congratulate her Diamond right then and there - she _knew_ how badly Pink Diamond had wanted her own colony. Now, she had her own ship, her own colony, and her own Pearl.

“That you are, Starlight,” a silky voice agreed. “But you are to be very careful. In fact… _Pearl_?”

Without hesitation, the spark of White Diamond’s Pearl turned to attention, marching into the open door.

“Yes, my Diamond?”

“You are to accompany Pink as she develops her first colony. Stay by her side, and keep after her well. I want no harm to befall her. Understood?”

A pregnant pause filled the corridor, and Pearl furrowed her brow. Though the request struck her as odd, she tried to remain positive. Two Pearls surely must be better than one? And, this would make for a nice opportunity to get to know White Diamond’s Pearl better; Pearl hadn’t had much of a chance since the very first day, when she emerged from the soft pink earth, the day she memorized the feeling of outline in the stones.

“Now, run along and test your ship, dear,” Blue Diamond said with a tenderness that Pearl respected. She loved how deeply Blue Diamond seemed to care for her Diamond, to protect her and keep her safe. It was something to appreciate, something only she and the other Pearl’s were privy to know.

“Oh, um, okay. I’ll just be going… Thank you, Blue, White.” Pink Diamond answered several moments later, and two pairs of shoes exited out to the corridor.

Pearl smiled and, eager to follow after them, already began to compile a list of so many questions and curiosities that she might ask White’s Pearl, now gifted with this unexpected time to be shared with her Diamond.

A voice shattered that peace before her foot even hit the floor.

“Oh, and Pink? Send your Pearl in here before you go. I’ll need one while you’re away.”

Pearl never did forget that moment, the final time she saw her Diamond. She hated how sad she looked, standing beside White’s Pearl on the warp pad - the lively bounce to her steps, the deep valleys of her knit brow, shining pink eyes, soft and apologetic.

She had to exercise an extreme test of will at that moment, nothing like the small flicker of effort it took that brought them here by warp pad. No, Pearl could hardly stop herself from shouting, or crying, to tell her Diamond never to look so heartbroken ever again. Pearl wanted to reassure her, remind her that it would all be okay, as long as _she_ , her Diamond, was happy, she, a lowly Pearl, would be _fine_!

After all, Pearl only ever wanted her Diamond to be happy.

So, in a fluid movement, Pearl nodded, saluted, and turned on her heel without another word. She did not want to trouble her Diamond by making her say the command to send her away.

Indeed, Pearl wasn’t sure she could bare to hear the words herself.


	3. Twitch

In a monochromatic world, some things stop mattering as much. Life itself was an ever-living state of subtly. Voices quiet and expressions faint, the breadth of activity that turns _life_ to _living_ had become little more than a narrow category, a list Pearl could count off on her fingers.

That made for a simpler existence, which really wasn’t all bad. Those things still existed, they still mattered, just less often and less intensely.

Other things, however, stopped mattering entirely.

Color, for instance.

Pearl modified her form before her first day of service to White Diamond had even ended.

First, she stripped her hair of all those soft shades of pink she’d carried with her from her exit hole, recalling fondly those soft mounds of clay, any stains of her warm undertones abandoned. Her skin, too, was suppressed in favor of a palette more fitting White Diamond, and she now mirrored a china doll or a porcelain statue. Around her body, a crisscross of fabric, gradients that mirrored pewter grays and blackened night skies, swathed her form in a sort of spectral way. She was pale as powder, and the stark contrast of ebony gave her an oddly powerful appearance.

A funny thing, Pearl noted, was how easy it had been to cast away her colors. She took great pride in them, for they were only bestowed upon her to reflect her Diamond.

Her hair, for some reason, had been _much_ more difficult to change.

She dared not disobey a request from White Diamond, but even so, she’d had a difficult time accepting, to willingly pin up her loose mounds of hair. She greatly preferred the relaxed texture that modeled her own Diamond’s hair, one that would welcome the wind to pull and tease the tresses whenever they traveled together, but she quickly learned that White Diamond’s sense of order demanded perfect efficiency, and the waves were deemed an unnecessary source of disorder.

Still, her hair tied into twin buns, her skin bleached and eyes lackluster, Pearl did her best to take these changes in stride. If this was what it meant to make White Diamond happy, she was glad to project herself in whatever image asked of her, because it was only fair to expect White’s Pearl was giving that same level of attention to her Diamond. White’s Pearl would keep Pink Diamond guided, and happy, and make sure she is safe. If White’s Pearl could do that, then as Pink Diamond’s Pearl, she was confident that she could accomplish anything she put her mind to.

...Well, that’s what Pearl _used_ to think.

That’s what she told herself, day-in and day-out. She liked to imagine that the quiet reassurances helped, but time was starting to wear on her, and she became less sure with its’ passing.

_Time_.

That was another thing that had been cast to the wayside, along with color.

She had no notion of how long she had been here, since she last saw Pink Diamond.

In fact, she had no idea of how long she’d even been _standing_ here.

How long had she been since she last moved?

How long would she have to keep her _arms_ like this?

The ache in her legs was nothing to dismiss, bringing images of the heaviest shackles imaginable dragging her through the floor, but even then, it held no measure against the constant _torture_ that was Homeworld’s gravity against her arms.

Posed unnaturally, bent at the elbow with her palms facing up, White Diamond had requested she adopt this more “fitting” posture on the first day. Pearl did not need to move often, as there were seldom times her Diamond asked her to fetch something or someone, but even during those times she had been dutifully instructed never to lower her arms.

Tension dragged knives through her upper back. _A gem’s body is made of light_ , she reminded herself. Pain shouldn’t even be an issue! _It’s not like you have_ real _muscles to feel_ real _pain..._ and yet it was there, real as the gemstone in her navel. Along with it came feelings that she could not begin to explain, and terrible spasms that flared along her nerve-endings, tensing her arms under the pressurized agony as it spread from her shoulder blades to her biceps and up through her forearms, dissolving into a prickly numbness that burned her fingers.

She forgot what it felt like to put her arms down. It could be so simple, so quick, she mused - White Diamond would ask her to run an errand eventually, and then, she could bend her elbow and massage her wrists and wiggle her fingers.

But Pearl knew she wouldn’t do any of those things, even if she could; she could not disobey White Diamond.

It was almost maddening.

Maddening, to stand there and do nothing, and be still, and be quiet, and be _perfect_. To keep her wits, all Pearl had to do was be patient and wait. Her own Diamond was coming back some day - or some year - eventually.

Pink Diamond _had_ to come, because this was not all Pearl’s life had to offer. It couldn’t be, because this was hardly life at all - it was going into stasis, turning to a statue that still had the burden of feeling, and there had to be more to existence than this.

So, Pearl stood at the dais beside White Diamond, and waited. Waited as her charge called forth control monitors, waited as she was every-so-often asked to bring some Gem, waited as White Diamond made orders for this colony or that. She never bent her arms, and she never let down her smile.

Time began to be measured by Diamond meetings. She called those a ‘year’, because they felt like at least that long, and she could not ask anyone to confirm the date.

During the two-hundred and fifteenth Diamond meeting, Pearl now occupied the spot at the top of the Diamond insignia on the floor. The bottom spot was as absent as it’d been for the previous two-hundred and fifteen meetings.

To Pearl’s genuine surprise, Blue’s Pearl cast a look over her shoulder back to her.

Blinking twice, Pearl let her lip twitch, and her smile fell ever-so-slightly. Vaguely, she wondered what her eyes might look like.

A question flashed into her mind, nonsensical and panicked.

_Can she tell?_

Tell _what_? Pearl did not know, but the blue gem’s scrutiny quickly turned unwelcome. Pearl felt like Blue was looking at her with some… some sort of _judgement_ , like she was daring her to break the careful facade Pearl had so carefully crafted over the last two-hundred and fifteen meetings.

And the worst part was, by the time she realized what look Blue had been giving her, Pearl had already failed. Slipped up. Disobeyed.

Her lip had quivered, her mind was preoccupied with something other than her service, and she had let the ache in her arms get to her for just a moment.

She needed to be perfect, because that was White Diamond needed her to be.

White Diamond did not need to hear her complaints, about her aching shoulders, or the fact that her feet would not bend backwards anymore. She did not need Pearl to remember the feeling of a warp stream, because White Diamond gave her a perfect bubble to travel everywhere. She did not need Pearl to be sentimental about missing her Diamond, or to worry that she was okay, or that the colony was going along well, because White Diamond had ensured that by lending out her own Pearl.

White Diamond only needed Pearl to behave perfectly.

Pearl did nothing but behave, perfectly, and exist, perfectly, and stand, perfectly, and never lowered her arms, perfectly.

Unbidden, an _answer_ to that question from earlier popped into her mind.

_Can she tell?_

_Can she tell how afraid I am?_

Pearl willed herself to stop blinking, fixed her smile, pointed her chin forward again.

One step out of line - _one_ mistake under White Diamond’s service - and it could cost her.

And after just a few more Diamond’s meetings, cost her it did.


	4. Nothing

Fog, thick and burdensome, enveloped her. An ocean of smoke had come to seize her as its own, trapping her in the confines of a white cell that was as large as it was impossible, and even then, she felt claustrophobic.

She couldn’t see, and the realization terrified her. Somehow, existence had become uncomfortably full and painfully empty; the walls were too high and the floors too long to make any sense of space, and every atom that touched her skin was condensed water, dragging her into her own body, trying to force her to collapse and accept a reality that could not be real.

“ _Pink Diamond has been shattered_.”

She tried to move, to claw at her light-constructed form to see if there was at least  _something_  she could attach herself to, something that would hold her weight while a future she could not bare rushed into the present, unsettling her purpose and upsetting her world.

She did not so much as twitch. Not a single muscle spasmed. Not a flicker of a frown.

Nothing.

Nothing, indeed, except for the silent madness that rattled around Pearl’s head for the next several hours.

On the outside, things seemed normal enough. She was standing at attention beside White Diamond, a shaking, weeping,  _broken_ Blue Diamond on her knees before the dais. Blue Pearl had her own tears rushing down her cheeks, and a slight flash of recognition in Pearl’s mind told her that Blue Diamond’s powerful empathetic sorrow was compelling her to join them in their crying.

She could not cry, because White Diamond had not allowed it, so they both remained perfectly stoic while the Lustrous Blue Diamond fell to pieces a few feet away.

Inside, Pearl did not feel sorrow. She did not feel anything.

The sensation - or was it lack of sensation? - that was drowning without water, choking up her failures, and waiting on the last step of the stairs for a pair of shoes that could not follow and she had never deserved to know in the first place...  It was her whole life, in a feeling, and it felt like  _nothing_.

Her arms stayed bent, always up, always facing forward. Feet pointed, chin up, smile on, Pearl stood and did nothing and did nothing and did  _nothing and nothing happens and nothing can happen and oh god what is this feeling, why does it hurt? How can it hurt and feel like nothing at the same time?_

_Pink Diamond has been shattered._

**_Pink Diamond has been shattered._ **

After some time, Blue Diamond left the chamber. Pearl could not have measured if it had been a few minutes or several months - she had a loose sense of time to begin with - but now she was floating in the plane beyond the one she knew, a crack in the surface of sanity that robbed her blind and she felt every bit deserving of it.

How could she not have been  _there_?

How could she not have been able to  _stop it_?

Stop what?

Stop what?

Stop what?

Pearl felt the presence of acceptance at her lips, but she could not purse them, lick them, bite them for all these emotions were forbidden. Yet she yearned anyways, helplessly begging for a sense of relief or denial or acceptance or  _something other than this feelings please, anything but this_.

Finally, after a very long time of scarce subsisting, Pearl tried to scream. Her mouth was sewn closed, it felt like the space between her nose and mouth contained all the mass of the universe, and instead a terrible image of clawing hands ran up her lungs, dragging her voice back down with it. Her begging was silenced, sharply and completely, and the words remained unspoken -  _please, someone, my Diamond - Blue, Yellow - even White Diamond, please… please, please, someone, please...  anyone, please, help me…_

Meetings. Years.

Time passed, Pearl guessed. It could have stood still. She didn’t know anymore.

She didn’t know anything anymore.

It was confusing. Some of units time seemed to last longer than others. Pearl didn’t know if that made any sense, because wasn’t the point of measuring the time between meetings to know how much was passing?

Does not matter.

There was only one thing that mattered.

Ignoring the question, ignoring the question. No answer no reality no answer no reality.

_Stop what?_

_Stop what?_

_Stop what?_

Ignore. Ignore ignore  _ignore ignore._

How can she best ignore? Ignore.  _Stop what?_  Ignore. With little else to do, frantic, Pearl began to count. Thinking about --  _ignore_ \-- could not be a valuable use of her time, so she focused on something else - anything else.

After her sixth recount of the three-millionth six-hundred thousandth one-hundred and ninety-eighth circuit, she realized with a jolt of terror that something was  _off_.

White Diamond was not still. White Diamond was not giving her or another Gem an order, or working on something far above Pearl’s head (literally and metaphorically).

She was...  _humming._

Pearl dare not crane her head, but she imagined it, looking far, far above her. What did White Diamond’s face look like? She had never even seen it before. Or had she? Maybe she forgot, when she was trying to ignore. Pearl’s smile felt a tiny bit more genuine when she imagined what she might look like, eyes of molten platinum, shining with an absurd amount of power. That was her best guess. A nice distraction from -  _ignore_.

_Stop what?_

“Pearl.” White Diamond spoke in a voice of decadent silk, and Pearl was so surprised she might have blinked, but she did not do so much as stir. Given how predatory White Diamond sounded, Pearl actually might have preferred to remain in their eternal silence.

A octave below a whisper passed through her tight smile. “Y-Yes?”

“Given this news,” White Diamond began, pausing to gesture above them to some monitor. “I am afraid I must inform you that we will be staying together for a little while longer.”  
A flicker of what once would have been a frown tensed the muscles around her mouth, but nothing.

“U-understood. Than-nk yo-you.” A pause, and Pearl felt the buzzing in her brain redouble in earnest, louder, angrier in its nature.

“I a-am so glad we will be together for a while longer, White Diamond.”

Pearl lied, hating that she felt compelled to do so. How could she be so unappreciative? The words stung with deceit, as Pearl knew she should feel privileged to have spent all this time by the side of the most indomintible figure in the universe.

And yet, all she felt was a painful degree of solitude, and the urge to tell lies.

A silence befell the chamber, but it was unlike the usual quiet, the one Pearl recognized that she knew to be empty and suffocating and infinite. This one was filled by tension, and... something else. Something Pearl could not identify, but whatever it was, it felt like a ghost had its hands on her throat, whispering warnings into her ears. Whatever it was, Pearl knew only one thing.

It absolutely terrified her.

White Diamond took a small step backwards with each of her glittering sandals, and she bent at the waist over the edge of the platform. Unable to help herself, Pearl’s mouth fell open  _just_ a bit, the closest to ‘agap’ that her lips could manage.

“There, there, Pearl.” White Diamond lowered her arms to her side and refocused her gaze to study the quivering Pearl’s face. She had adopted a tone that Pearl could not in good conscious call sympathetic. No, it was more like…

“There is no need for you to lie. I know how much you care for my little Starlight, but if you are to be my Pearl, you must be above such simple emotions.”

Amusement.

“Do you understand?”

That was it.  _Morbid amusement_ , thinly veiled as words of comfort.

“I - ” Pearl opened her mouth, only to close it again moments later . She realized she had started to lean back - to lean away - and her Diamond had ordered her to be still. Another misstep. Without skipping a beat, Pearl straightened on the tips of her toes and kept her smile as calm as possible.

“Of course. I - I am very sorry, W-White D-Diamond. I will not disappoint you.”

At that, White Diamond quirked a brow high along her forehead, and her eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly.

“You are suffering, my Pearl.” The massive matriarch clicked her tongue. “And to think, I tried so hard to help you rid yourself of such petty sentimentality.”

Instinct, deeply embedded in her navel, caused her hands to fly to her lips in horror. She couldn’t even explain why, and it was the most she’d moved in eons, but the need to cover her lips to prevent from admitting such a thing was a force all its own.

_Stop what?_

_Ignore ignore - stop it stop what get out of my head please stop stop stop what - ignore ignore ignore!_

White Diamond inched her head slightly to one-side, examining Pearl like she’d never really seen her before.

Her own heart betrayed her, and a single, wretched tear leaked over the side of her left eye. Pearl moved to swipe it away, but she could not remove her hands, and so a stray streak quickly became a steady river, flowing down one side of her face, breaking the order she’d been given.

“We will have to do away with that. Here,” she lowered a massive hand, pointing a single finger to brush the tears away.

Bracing herself, Pearl prepared herself for a large, single swipe to grace her cheek.

Instead, she felt white hot  _agony_.

A cerebral, chilling fire laid waste to her. A heaviness buckled her knees while a internal bruise began to swell, expanding and expelling her gem from her navel, and Pearl was gripping and twisting and  _fracturing_ and  _oh god it hurts_. This was not numbness this was  _pure pain and_ Pearl swore she saw stars and galaxies and so much blackness that the universe could never fill it all, but there were shapes beneath it too, poofs of hair and waving hands and trembling fingers and wispy bangs and judgmental eyes and there was  _so much pressure_  in her chest it felt like she was going to cave in, a collapsing star, lucky enough to finally burn out.

Burn, burn, burn,  _pop_. It was gone.

Gone.

Burnt.

Cracked, like overheated glass, split through the betrayal and the fear and suddenly -  _suddenly -_  Pearl’s mind was no longer filled by that single question.

There was peace.

Simple, overwhelming peace.

Nothing was nothing and everything was nothing and that was finally, finally okay.

…

 

“There, that’s better, isn’t it?” A knowing voice asked of her. “It may have hurt, but it is a small price to pay.”

 

…

 

“Yes, my Diamond.” 

That was the day Pink Pearl lost her eye.

A small price. Nothing, really. White Pearl did not need two eyes.

She only needed one eye to serve her Diamond, and now White Pearl was so happy. She did not think she’d ever been so happy, even before Pink Diamond left for Earth. Those days were stained by fears and worries. Pearl did not fear and did not worry anymore.

She had a full life here. Her Diamond, the most magnificent being in the universe, was pleased, because now White Pearl could be even more efficient. How foolish Pearl had once been - to think her Diamond wanted her to be  _perfect_. Only Diamonds are perfect. Her Diamond only wanted her to try her best, and Pearl failed. 

_Pink Pearl failed_ , her mind corrected.  _You are not Pink Pearl._

_Pink Pearl is the failure. White Pearl is a good Pearl._  

She will always be a good Pearl.

Of course, she is  not perfect - she only has one eye - and that was okay because she could be unsightly and other gems could look at her like she was a monster, but Pearl could do her job and that was all that mattered.

Smiling, Pearl marveled at her fortune. She had a purpose that was not impeded by emotions anymore; she had a mind void of questions.

She did not need questions, like her eye. Questions only served to confuse her, and that would hinder her ability to serve her Diamond. That was wrong. White Pearl is a good Pearl.

Good riddance. A nuisance. Unnecessary.

Dead weight, and she could not weigh down her Diamond.

 


End file.
